Mindset: Is social media really serving you?

When I began my personal development journey and the quest of a more positive life one of the very first things I had to address was what I was sort of information I was consuming on a daily basis because I had come to understand that this could negatively impact my mindset.

I looked at things like the type of TV shows I watched and what I read and listened to then thought about how those things impacted me mentally, as well as looking at the kind of conversations I was having both in person and on social media.

What I realised was that the vast majority of it was negative. The news was something I paid a lot of attention to, but it was only ever bad news, and most of my conversations both in person and online only ever centred around my own or other people’s problems. To top it all my social media feed was full of people complaining!

It was like once I had noticed it I became hyper aware of all of the negativity around me and then I just noticed it more and more. It started to annoy me, I realised that it was inevitable that I’d be in a negative mindset when all I ever consumed was god damned negativity!

I decided to take some personal responsibility for what I was exposing myself to. Of course, I couldn’t control the fact that the world was in constant turmoil and that most of the news was filled with tragedy and pain, but I could control how much of that I consumed. I’m someone with a keen interest in current affairs and I would never want to be ignorant to world issues, but I realised that twenty or more iPhone alerts per day with breaking news was excessive, so I turned them off. I could check the news once or twice a day and that was more than enough to stay informed. I did not need the constant negative bombardment.

I also started to take personal responsibility for my own conduct and began to set boundaries in conversations. If I could see a conversation turning into a very negative one filled with bitching, complaining, anger or pity I would attempt to steer it into a more productive positive place. If the person persisted I would politely end the conversation.I have no problem with someone sharing a problem a long as the purpose of the conversation is for us to discuss possible solutions, but when it is just a vent with no desire to ever resolve it…. I’m out!

Upon turning my attention to my social media feeds I realised this was where most of the hard work would be! Not only was most of the content put out by “friends”very negative, so was my own! I was a negative nelly. Status updates like the below were routine.

“Urgh I’m tired cba today.”

“I’m not in the mood today people can just f*ck off.”

What I realised was that I had unwittingly become a big part of the problem.

What was the purpose of any of the above? Why did I feel the need to share any of that negativity with the world? How did any of that serve me? How did any of that serve the poor people who followed me and were scrolling through their feeds consuming it?

I wasn’t alone though, in fact compared to many, my online negativity was mild!

It’s like social media has created this complaining culture whereby moaning and over sharing online has just become standard behaviour! It’s what we do! But why?

The more I learned about mindset and personal development the more I began to understand why. Tony Robins is a master of mindset and he explained it perfectly.

As humans we all have 6 basic needs. One of those needs is to feel significant. Social media has ramped up everybody’s need for attention and significance and we all want to feel seen and to get engagement from our audience.

People are empathetic and quick to offer pity and so we have unconsciously become hard wired to post constant negativity because the most effective way of gaining attention and therefore significance.

When we post a negative status people react and our need is instantly met. We feel like people care. The scary thing is that I don’t think most of us do this intentionally, I certainly wasn’t aware of why I was doing it but now I know the psychology, I have to admit that it does make sense! I was attention seeking. Cringe.

The trouble is that seeking and receiving such attention doesn’t serve us. It takes us from a negative mindset into an even more negative one! People respond with “You OK?” and off we go into a spiralling conversation of all the reason we’re not, and then they share all the reasons they’re not and now we have the burden of their negativity too! Their well meaning empathy only serves to stir up that emotion more in both parties and before we know it we’ve both brought each other down into an even lower emotional state – and it doesn’t stop there because often on a social media post, multiple people reply! Let the pity party commence!

But who is that serving and how exactly is that helping? Do I feel better now? No! All I’ve done now is expose myself to even more negativity! I’ve dug deeper into my own problems than I intended to because I’ve got carried away in conversation and I’ve prolonged whatever emotion I was feeling that triggered the post because 8 hours later I’ still replying to comments on that feed, whereby in reality that emotion or mood has since long gone!

Besides, the kind of people likely to respond to such a post are often those who just nosey and enjoy a bit of drama! They want to know who or what has upset me for their own entertainment! (Pass the popcorn, right?) and Even the well intended people have no means of actually helping, so what’s the point?

My status: “I’ve got the worst migraine!”

Reply: “Oh hun they’re the worst I get them so bad I vomit. Go take some painkillers and get in bed!”

Completely pointless conversation, I’m not stupid, I’ve already taken painkillers and I’m already in bed! How has that helped? It got me a bit of attention and now I know Jenny from my keep fit class gets worse migraines than I do…. (People have always got what you’re complaining about but worse because that’s how they feed their own significance – it becomes a bloody competition! Do you see the cycle here?)

I realised that when I felt like posting such a status I should stop myself and instead either just sit with the emotion and ride the wave because usually it was something trivial and not worth the time and effort, or talk to someone privately one on one if I felt like I needed to. (I’m not advocating bottling things up but being mindful and choosing someone specific to talk to, ideally a person with a good mindset who can help me rather than me just spewing it out on social media only for the popcorn eaters and narcissists to descend with their “pity”.)

I made a vow to myself that I would only post neutral or positive things on social media from then on. My problems and negative emotions were mine and I shouldn’t be publicly offloading them. It wasn’t right to be putting that negativity out into the world and it wasn’t serving me to receieve that kind of attention back either.

I unfollowed or muted serial pity posters and I actively sought out and followed people who consistently post positive, relevant, uplifting and inspiring content!

It has had a huge impact on my mental state! Now when I go online I’m greeted with a feed full of people who are spreading good vibes and it raises mine too!

As for my meeting my own need for significance? Well I decided to use my online presence as a force for good and to spread positivity through writing mindset articles like this.

I removed myself from Facebook about a year ago and it turned to be a welcome relief, I don’t miss it at all! I kept Instagram and Twitter but I’ very mindful of who I follow and what I post.

Now when I go online I’m constantly inspired and uplifted by amazing people , and my own comments section now is filled with chat from positive people telling me how good life is and what their goals and dreams are!

That kind of conversation hits completely different for all involved!